Today I made that decision. The decision that I didn’t think I wanted to make. The decision that affects my life.

I decided to withdraw my sponsorship petition today for my soon-to-be ex-wife.

We were married in January a few years ago after countless trips back and forth, exploring the world, depending on each other, and making our marks in other peoples lives. We became successful together, and nothing could stop us. It was only when we were separated that things always went wrong.

It was December I was out with my father when she gave me the news. She wanted a divorce. Then she still wanted to come to the US to visit Family and Friends and then go back home. Then she wanted the option to come live here with me, but it was her choice whether she would fall in love again or not. Then she disappears from casual conversation, only to reappear whenever she wants something.

I had a talk with a friend who asked me about her, and while telling the life story it got to the difficult part of our non-existent second anniversary, then the last time I saw her during the interview. It was the question that was asked of me: “She didn’t even give you a hug? She didn’t want to do anything that created emotion?” After so many months, it is painful to even think back to that and wonder how ONE person was my world, and yet that one person had their own world. “No, no hug. No kiss. Just a smile and she watched me beg and cry for her. I went through all stages of denial so fast.”

To be fair, I did hurt that person, and in order to hurt that person I had to tell the truth. I had to own up to my mistakes and fully disclose everything, as how it should have been. If I think back, not even disclosing anything would have saved this, but again, full disclosure is even what I demanded.

A couple days ago I found the video for Crossfade’s “So Cold”, and it did bring me to tears. Even this post brings me to the same tears, as it takes away any further hope of me having a complete world again. Everyone comforts me in saying “It will get better, you will find something better”, and the same response comes from me as it has from every time in the past: “Nothing is better than what I had my heart tied to.”

Almost 2 years later, and I am still clutching a pillow close to my chest every night to help me fall asleep. Why is it that people take forever to crawl out of your own skin after they have dug in so deep…

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I’m always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

To you I’m sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold